Monday, February 7, 2011
Confessions! Rebel II
I need to move on to the next question, but the last one about things I do not believe in has kept my brain so busy this weekend!
I just have to put down one more thing I do not believe. I must get it out there.
I do not believe if he loves you he will know what is wrong.
I feel like I am rebelling against centuries of female intuition, but I think we got it wrong, gals.
I let this one go a long, long time ago. Like last year. :)
After ten years it finally sunk in- he doesn't know. He really and truly does not know.
Yes, I can drop all the hints of moody silence and wistful sighs and an occasional throat clearing.
He will hand me a cough drop.
He will not know that he happened to say that my eyes are brown instead of green-brown and that I had just mentioned twenty three days earlier that I felt like he wasn't noticing me as much as usual and that someone at church didn't taste my chocolate dessert so I was feeling especially invisible, before he got my eye color wrong.
He doesn't know.
He would laugh at me if he did know.
(by the way, that was a completely and totally fictional scenario. Such pettiness is absolutely beneath me. If you believe that, I've got some great dryer lint to sell you.)
So now I put the dots very close together. If I need some serious ego stroking, I might be subtle and say something like, "Hey, I am going to need some serious ego stroking today, if you can fit it in."
If I need a little romance I might leave him a little homework that looks something like this:
I have been thinking about you all ______________ and I think you are very ___________
and you have the most______________ ________________ that I have ever seen. I would be _______________ without you.
Your ______________ husband.
I could keep fighting it and believing that one day when he loves me enough the emotional part of his brain will grow in like permanent teeth and he will suddenly have the perception of Oprah Winfrey. Or I can sigh for Camelot, kiss Victorian romance good-bye and kiss my sweet, strong, funny, clueless husband hello - just the way he is.
He's not being mean. He's not ignoring me. It's not part of an intricate plot to frustrate me.
He really doesn't know.
And let's be honest - If he puts up with me every day he is entitled to a little cluelessness now and then. It's probably a defense mechanism to survive me. He just blocks out a lot.
I am laughing. I'm going to stop writing now before I give him too much ammunition for our next fight.