Thursday, January 27, 2011

Confessions! Day 2

Since you don't want to hear how I spent the morning cleaning bathrooms, I will just jump straight to the heart of the matter. The question that I must answer in absolute honesty today is:

What makes you feel better when you're upset?

I do a lot of things when I'm upset, but I know that only one thing helps - words.
Because I am a stubborn, imperfect human I go through a lot of stages of whining before I get to the words.
First I process in silence. Then I stew in silence. If it's a really bad day I stew while closing drawers too hard and if you listen closely you will hear the low hiss of my whispered diatribes.
Then I try to distract myself. I read a book (I can't see the words when I'm mad or sad) or go shopping (I hate everything when I'm in a bad mood so I mostly just wander through a store aimlessly), or I try to talk myself out of it (this always seems like it's about to work, but it typically falls through at the last minute- sort of like a chocolate torte). When all else fails I go in search of an ear. My husband. My sisters. My friends. I will take the customer service man at my cable company if necessary.
I think the truth is that a big part of my brain somehow got located in my tongue and I cannot process or organize or sooth my feelings until I have spoken them out loud. I think with words. I feel with words. I help with words. I live through words.
After I let the words pour out, usually accompanied with a generous flood of tears, then I feel a new courage and strength and enthusiasm. Maybe I just feel less lonely knowing that someone knows how I feel. And maybe, for me, the problems I face are never as difficult as the loneliness of facing them solo.
So if I ever put my heavy head on your shoulder and start talking, just know that in a few minutes I will feel so much better.

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